ONDY and ILA stand center stage. The stage looks like a black abyss with just a spotlight on the two.ILA: Ondy, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
ONDY: What do you mean where have I been? I've been right here.
ILA: No you haven't. I've come over here everyday and you've just been sitting here in a daze not saying anything.
ONDY: Oh yeah, about that. I've been...OMG, did you watch the billboard awards last night?
ILA: OMG! Yes, it was AMAZI--wait a minute. You didn't answer my question.
ONDY: Okay, okay...Ondy has been...reinventing himself.
ILA: Go on...
ONDY: You know...my icon has taught me that in this day and age you have to grow constantly. And for that reason I am beginning a new chapter in my life.
ILA: Honestly I'm not that intrigued. You don't ev--
ONDY: This new chapter will be about change, revolution, and refinement.
ILA: Oh gosh.
ONDY: That's right, baby. I am turning over a new leaf. Embracing post-grad life with a new demeanor and a new philosophy on friends, fashion, and love.
ILA: Fashion?
ONDY: I am traversing new territory in New York City. Delving into the urban jungle to rise above the skyskrapers. Leaping across rooftops--
ILA: Dean Moody-Adams didn't mean litera--
ONDY: I am transforming all that you have known about Ondy to become a better, more inspirational, and self-proclaimed...ICON!
ILA: Well you got the self-proclaimed part right. And how will you begin this "refinement"
ONDY: Easy. The next act!
ILA: There was only one scene in the last act!
ONDY: Hush my child...it's just a matter of time.
Fog begins to the fill stage as ONDY magically disappears. ILA stands there with her arms crossed and angrily exits Stage Right.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Ondy's Interlude
Lights up on ONDY who stands at a podium and a FEMALE INTERVIEWER located opposite. Lights rise in the house and two microphones are placed in the audience.
FI: And now for a brief interlude we will be taking time to ask Ondy some very personal questions. Yes, folks. We will be probing Ondy about some of his personal insights on life, love, and his idea of happiness. Now, there's no need to be gentle with Ondy, he is well prepared for any thrusting questions you may have. Ondy has also asked that your questions be long--not too long--but long enough that he can use your questions in a more...constructive manner. He claims and I quote...
ONDY: I'm right here. Why are you quoting me when I'm right here.
FI: Oh, well--
ONDY: In my experience short questions are never really exciting. No matter how powerful or important you think your question is, if it's only four or five words long--heaven forbid its 3--I'd rather not deal with it.
FI: Alrighty, now lets begin. I see we have a question from a young girl right here...
GIRL 28: Ondy, I have been struggling with my weight for the past 3 years and I was wondering if you have any advice on how I can lead both a healthier lifestyle and how I can embrace my body.
ONDY: Well, having once been a heavy black woman, I must tell you that I can certainly relate. The most important thing I can tell you is that regardless of that number on the scale and regardless of what the magazines may tell you...you have to embrace your body. Now listen to me, girl. My weight range has been between 125 and 285 in the last 8 years of my life and I have learned that big is just as if not more beautiful than being a skinny bitch. So it's important to understand that having curves, especially in black culture is an asset that skinny bitches can only wish they had--
GIRL 28: But aren't you're a skinny bitch now...
ONDY pauses. He begins to loose control of himself but gets it together before asking. A little anger now escaping in his voice and tone.
ONDY: Heh..heh. Now. If you know the Colonel on a first name basis, which yo ass probably do...then guess what: it's time to go jogging. There's a different between being thick and voluptuous and just plain unhealthy. Next question please... (to himself, under his breath) sit up here and call me a skinny bitch oh I got you...
GIRL 39: Hi, Ondy.
ONDY: Hi Baby how are you?
GIRL 39: I'm doing well, I just wanted to ask about this guy that I've been seeing who hasn't been replying to text messages in the last 3 day--
ONDY: Stop. Stop. Stop. Okay, I'm going to say this one time and one time only. And this is for all the girls out there because I don't want to hear any more questions about mens. I have had my heart "broken" a few times and guess what...it healed. I think a lot of us can say that we've had our hearts broken, no? Let's look at some of the greats we can identify with.
Projection of Britney Spears comes up.
ONDY: Our darling Britney. The first child of modern day pop turned bald headed psycho turned redeemed star. Let's look at her ex. Kevin Federline. Now, when Britney lost Mr. Sexy (Yes there was time when he was sexy) Did she cry and boo-hoo over the loser. Hell No! She went out and got married. Vegas style. And you know what, I commend her for that bc it really does send a message about how we should recognize these mens.
GIRL IN AUDIENCE: (aside) Is it me or is Ondy going Ghetto.
BOY IN AUDIENCE: Preach Brotha, Preach...
(To be continued...)
...The Revolution will be Ondyfied
FI: And now for a brief interlude we will be taking time to ask Ondy some very personal questions. Yes, folks. We will be probing Ondy about some of his personal insights on life, love, and his idea of happiness. Now, there's no need to be gentle with Ondy, he is well prepared for any thrusting questions you may have. Ondy has also asked that your questions be long--not too long--but long enough that he can use your questions in a more...constructive manner. He claims and I quote...
ONDY: I'm right here. Why are you quoting me when I'm right here.
FI: Oh, well--
ONDY: In my experience short questions are never really exciting. No matter how powerful or important you think your question is, if it's only four or five words long--heaven forbid its 3--I'd rather not deal with it.
FI: Alrighty, now lets begin. I see we have a question from a young girl right here...
GIRL 28: Ondy, I have been struggling with my weight for the past 3 years and I was wondering if you have any advice on how I can lead both a healthier lifestyle and how I can embrace my body.
ONDY: Well, having once been a heavy black woman, I must tell you that I can certainly relate. The most important thing I can tell you is that regardless of that number on the scale and regardless of what the magazines may tell you...you have to embrace your body. Now listen to me, girl. My weight range has been between 125 and 285 in the last 8 years of my life and I have learned that big is just as if not more beautiful than being a skinny bitch. So it's important to understand that having curves, especially in black culture is an asset that skinny bitches can only wish they had--
GIRL 28: But aren't you're a skinny bitch now...
ONDY pauses. He begins to loose control of himself but gets it together before asking. A little anger now escaping in his voice and tone.
ONDY: Heh..heh. Now. If you know the Colonel on a first name basis, which yo ass probably do...then guess what: it's time to go jogging. There's a different between being thick and voluptuous and just plain unhealthy. Next question please... (to himself, under his breath) sit up here and call me a skinny bitch oh I got you...
GIRL 39: Hi, Ondy.
ONDY: Hi Baby how are you?
GIRL 39: I'm doing well, I just wanted to ask about this guy that I've been seeing who hasn't been replying to text messages in the last 3 day--
ONDY: Stop. Stop. Stop. Okay, I'm going to say this one time and one time only. And this is for all the girls out there because I don't want to hear any more questions about mens. I have had my heart "broken" a few times and guess what...it healed. I think a lot of us can say that we've had our hearts broken, no? Let's look at some of the greats we can identify with.
Projection of Britney Spears comes up.
ONDY: Our darling Britney. The first child of modern day pop turned bald headed psycho turned redeemed star. Let's look at her ex. Kevin Federline. Now, when Britney lost Mr. Sexy (Yes there was time when he was sexy) Did she cry and boo-hoo over the loser. Hell No! She went out and got married. Vegas style. And you know what, I commend her for that bc it really does send a message about how we should recognize these mens.
GIRL IN AUDIENCE: (aside) Is it me or is Ondy going Ghetto.
BOY IN AUDIENCE: Preach Brotha, Preach...
(To be continued...)
...The Revolution will be Ondyfied
Monday, April 4, 2011
Act 2: Scene 1
Lights up on Ondy and ILA, a face of impeccable reason, who stand together on an empty stage.
ILA: Ondy...Ondy
no response.
ILA: ONDY!
ONDY: What?
ILA: Exactly. What is the question.
ONDY: Huh?
ILA: We've been here for an entire act now and nothing has happened.
ONDY: What do you mean, plenty of things have happened. I've fallen in and out of love, I finished a paper. I even got a new tan so now I stand out as the guy who was cool and went somewhere tropical for spring break; a staple for starting up conversation during the second half of the semester.
ILA: Conversation with who?
ONDY: I don't know.
ILA: Exactly. This story needs a love interest. A real love interest.
ONDY: But I alre--
ILA: Yourself doesn't count.
ONDY: (defeated) oh. Okay, well what if the story is about me looking for a real love interest.
ILA: That could wo--
ONDY: And then at the end I realize that I must love myself in order.
ILA: Ondy. I'm done here. Plot development, now!
ILA rushes off stage and Ondy finds himself in the middle of Butler Library rising out of a dream.
ONDY's thoughts can be heard off stage...
What a weird dream. Ugh, back in the cold, heartless city of Gotham. And to make matters worse, back in Butler Library, and this is one butt I'd rather not be in. Hmmm...that's mildly inappropriate. Now lets see here, what am I doing...Oh yeah, need to hit up the stacks.
ONDY rises and walks over to a dark row of mysterious looking books. CUTE GUY 38 is standing near some books perplexed.
Ondy's thoughts...
What? There's a lot of cute guys in the world, there's no telling how important he'll be. I should just act casual. I'm clearly the hotter between the two of us, but I don't think i'd like it any other way. OMG, I could potentially do it in the stacks. That's on the Bwog bucket list right? What do I care I only read Bwog to sound cool while simultaneously acknowledging how nerdy and uncool it actually is. Some society I live in. But doing it in the stacks is pretty awesome. Why does my conscious use the word 'awesome'? Hmmm...oh shit, I'm clearly not actually looking for a book. I hope he doesn't noti--
CUTE GUY 38: Excuse me.
ONDY: Um...yeah?
CUTE GUY 38: Do you know how to use this system. It's really confusing
Of course I know how to use this system. I only spent an entire summer slaving over the crazy Stacks collection, Milstein collection, Microform collection, for hours and hours upon--
ONDY: No, I was actually just trying to figure it out myself.
Damsel in distress usually works. But now we're two damsels in distress. You know even if I didn't know how to use the call numbers here I should at least be able to read this sign that I've apparently been staring at for about 5 minutes. I'm sure he's notic--
CUTE GUY 38: Are you okay?
ONDY: Oh, yeah. Just a little, flustered...um...Let's find these butts.
CUTE GUY 38: What?
ONDY: What?
CUTE GUY 38: You mean find these books right?
ONDY: Yeah...isn't that what I said?
CUTE GUY 38: (smiling) um...sure.
He's starting to intimidate me. I don't like that. Who does he think he is. If I didn't say books, what could I have possibly said?
Ondy thinks for a moment.
Fuck this. I'm ditching cute guy 38. 39 is smoking a cigarette right outside. And I just might have "left mine in my room today."
ONDY: The books over there, right in the second aisle.
CUTE GUY 38: (confused) oh...um...
ONDY: Gotta go.
CUTE GUY 38: Oh, wait. Um...do you want to grab coffee or someth--
ONDY: I'm married.
ONDY rushes offstage and walks back on from the other side where Lee is sitting back in the library doing work.
ONDY: Hey, Lee.
LEE: Hey, Ondy, what's up?
ONDY: Nothing. I hate men.
LEE: Don't get me started.
ONDY: You know, the only reason I really want a partner is so that someone walks our baby when I'm not home.
LEE's jaw drops.
ONDY: What? Don't you walk baby's.
LEE: No.
ONDY: Well, I don't know about you Lee, but my mother made sure that I was walked everyday. And now that I am in America that's what I want out of life. I want a man and I want a baby, and I am going to see that he is walked everyday!
LEE: Is this your plot development?
ONDY: Well now we have a goal, getting there will be the fun part, kind of like Wizard of Oz. I mean, what was so exciting about going back to black and white town where your uncle's molest you? The adventure is with Glenda the Drag Queen and learning how to walk the runway in Red Heels (that was the new trend back then, you know).
LEE: Okay, well anyway, I really hope you don't get too caught up in fulfilling whatever crazy goal you have in your head and actually find an apartment, AND a job.
ONDY: Oooh! Subplots. Do you want one?
LEE: Maybe.
ONDY: LEE aspires to become the next dance champion and star in You Got Served 4: Battle of the Blondes and Reds!
LEE: No.
ONDY: Okay, well we'll brainstorm.
Lights.
ILA: Ondy...Ondy
no response.
ILA: ONDY!
ONDY: What?
ILA: Exactly. What is the question.
ONDY: Huh?
ILA: We've been here for an entire act now and nothing has happened.
ONDY: What do you mean, plenty of things have happened. I've fallen in and out of love, I finished a paper. I even got a new tan so now I stand out as the guy who was cool and went somewhere tropical for spring break; a staple for starting up conversation during the second half of the semester.
ILA: Conversation with who?
ONDY: I don't know.
ILA: Exactly. This story needs a love interest. A real love interest.
ONDY: But I alre--
ILA: Yourself doesn't count.
ONDY: (defeated) oh. Okay, well what if the story is about me looking for a real love interest.
ILA: That could wo--
ONDY: And then at the end I realize that I must love myself in order.
ILA: Ondy. I'm done here. Plot development, now!
ILA rushes off stage and Ondy finds himself in the middle of Butler Library rising out of a dream.
ONDY's thoughts can be heard off stage...
What a weird dream. Ugh, back in the cold, heartless city of Gotham. And to make matters worse, back in Butler Library, and this is one butt I'd rather not be in. Hmmm...that's mildly inappropriate. Now lets see here, what am I doing...Oh yeah, need to hit up the stacks.
ONDY rises and walks over to a dark row of mysterious looking books. CUTE GUY 38 is standing near some books perplexed.
Ondy's thoughts...
What? There's a lot of cute guys in the world, there's no telling how important he'll be. I should just act casual. I'm clearly the hotter between the two of us, but I don't think i'd like it any other way. OMG, I could potentially do it in the stacks. That's on the Bwog bucket list right? What do I care I only read Bwog to sound cool while simultaneously acknowledging how nerdy and uncool it actually is. Some society I live in. But doing it in the stacks is pretty awesome. Why does my conscious use the word 'awesome'? Hmmm...oh shit, I'm clearly not actually looking for a book. I hope he doesn't noti--
CUTE GUY 38: Excuse me.
ONDY: Um...yeah?
CUTE GUY 38: Do you know how to use this system. It's really confusing
Of course I know how to use this system. I only spent an entire summer slaving over the crazy Stacks collection, Milstein collection, Microform collection, for hours and hours upon--
ONDY: No, I was actually just trying to figure it out myself.
Damsel in distress usually works. But now we're two damsels in distress. You know even if I didn't know how to use the call numbers here I should at least be able to read this sign that I've apparently been staring at for about 5 minutes. I'm sure he's notic--
CUTE GUY 38: Are you okay?
ONDY: Oh, yeah. Just a little, flustered...um...Let's find these butts.
CUTE GUY 38: What?
ONDY: What?
CUTE GUY 38: You mean find these books right?
ONDY: Yeah...isn't that what I said?
CUTE GUY 38: (smiling) um...sure.
He's starting to intimidate me. I don't like that. Who does he think he is. If I didn't say books, what could I have possibly said?
Ondy thinks for a moment.
Fuck this. I'm ditching cute guy 38. 39 is smoking a cigarette right outside. And I just might have "left mine in my room today."
ONDY: The books over there, right in the second aisle.
CUTE GUY 38: (confused) oh...um...
ONDY: Gotta go.
CUTE GUY 38: Oh, wait. Um...do you want to grab coffee or someth--
ONDY: I'm married.
ONDY rushes offstage and walks back on from the other side where Lee is sitting back in the library doing work.
ONDY: Hey, Lee.
LEE: Hey, Ondy, what's up?
ONDY: Nothing. I hate men.
LEE: Don't get me started.
ONDY: You know, the only reason I really want a partner is so that someone walks our baby when I'm not home.
LEE's jaw drops.
ONDY: What? Don't you walk baby's.
LEE: No.
ONDY: Well, I don't know about you Lee, but my mother made sure that I was walked everyday. And now that I am in America that's what I want out of life. I want a man and I want a baby, and I am going to see that he is walked everyday!
LEE: Is this your plot development?
ONDY: Well now we have a goal, getting there will be the fun part, kind of like Wizard of Oz. I mean, what was so exciting about going back to black and white town where your uncle's molest you? The adventure is with Glenda the Drag Queen and learning how to walk the runway in Red Heels (that was the new trend back then, you know).
LEE: Okay, well anyway, I really hope you don't get too caught up in fulfilling whatever crazy goal you have in your head and actually find an apartment, AND a job.
ONDY: Oooh! Subplots. Do you want one?
LEE: Maybe.
ONDY: LEE aspires to become the next dance champion and star in You Got Served 4: Battle of the Blondes and Reds!
LEE: No.
ONDY: Okay, well we'll brainstorm.
Lights.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Act 1: Scene 4
Ondy walks center stage.
ONDY: Listen. I think we should talk about something. You remember that one time that we...(pause) Hey you know how we've been best friends for so long...No. Hmmm...
Hey so, I think I love you.
GIRL 5: Ondy, who are you talking to.
ONDY: No one...I mean well I was going to talk to...nevermind.
GIRL 5: Were you talking to yourself again, Ondy. what did I tell you about talking to yourself. It's really not a good sign if you do it everyday.
ONDY: I know. It's just, I think I'm in love.
GIRL 5: With who?
ONDY: That's the thing. That's why I've been talking to myself. I think I'm in love with myself.
GIRL 5: Oh, well have you told yourself, yet?
ONDY: That's what I was practicing but, I'm super nervous. I mean, we've always gotten along and we do everything together. I just don't know how to tell him. I mean what would you do.
GIRL 5: Well first of all I'd have to develop an ego the size of the sun to ever have this dilemma. In fact I'm pretty sure you have to be suffering some type of mental illness to be having this conversation. But we'll talk about that some other time. Listen, if you're really in love, just do what I did. You look that man right in the eye, you tell him exactly how you feel, and if he doesn't respond positively, then just delete him from your life.
ONDY: I can't just delete him, he's not some program or application. You've definitely been hanging around Ren for too long. And besides, we've been so close for so long. I don't know if I can just forget about him like that.
GIRL 5: Well, then just cross your fingers and hope for the best.
ONDY: Yeah I guess you're right. If you can't love yourself. How in the HELL you gon' love somebody else. Can I get an amen?
GIRL 5: No.
ONDY: Okay. I think I'm ready.
GIRL 5: Go get 'em tiger.
ONDY 2 walks on stage.
ONDY: Hey, Ondy.
ONDY 2: Hey. Have you seen our phone, I haven't--
ONDY: Oh. It's right here. (pulling it out of his pocket)
ONDY 2: Why do you always do that.
ONDY: Do what?
ONDY 2: Lose things in your pocket.
ONDY: I usually have a lot of pockets okay. Fierceness requires repetition.
ONDY 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
ONDY: So, listen can we talk?
ONDY 2: What did Iris tell you about talking to me. It's really not normal.
ONDY: Actually it's okay for me to talk to you. You're not supposed to be talking back to me.
ONDY 2: Yeah. So what did you want to talk about?
ONDY: It's that...Um. Well...I just wanted to talk about.
ONDY 2: Spit it o--
ONDY: I love you!
A long silent pause.
ONDY 2: Is that so?
ONDY: Yes.
ONDY 2: If you love me. If you REALLY love me, then why did it take you 21 years to tell me.
ONDY: Well, I mean. I think I've always known, but those first years it was really hard to express myself and then after that I just thought maybe the feeling would go away...You're not going to leave me are you.
ONDY 2 stares at him blankly.
ONDY 2: You know, you should probably go have that chat with Iris. I think she can help you.
ONDY: What?
ONDY 2: Of course I'm not going to leave you! Where am I going to go?
ONDY: I don't know you could...oh wait, yeah, I guess you're not going to leave.
ONDY 2: I'm going to need sometime to think about this. I mean it's great that you love me and all, I think I love you too but don't take this too far. It's starting to make me feel kind of weird.
ONDY: Yeah, I'm starting to feel that way too.
ONDY 2: But, I mean you know I'll always be here for you when it's time to turn on the sass and own a club, or pull out the latest in Ondy fashion (come on, do you remember that scarf?). I think I'm more useful for those kinds of things. Consider our love...understood. It doesn't really need to be talked about that much. Just show it.
ONDY: Right.
ONDY 2: So I'll see you in the bathroom? Maybe the closet mirror?
ONDY: Yup! I start getting ready in an hour.
ONDY 2: Where are we going tonight?
ONDY: Probably a straight club. So lame.
ONDY 2: Oh come on, it won't be that bad.
ONDY 2 winks at ONDY.
ONDY 2: And we return to Gotham...?
ONDY: Tomorrow
ONDY 2: Finally, I know you feel all dark and sexy over there, but I'm baking inside with all this tanning.
ONDY smiles as ONDY 2 disappears.
ONDY: Listen. I think we should talk about something. You remember that one time that we...(pause) Hey you know how we've been best friends for so long...No. Hmmm...
Hey so, I think I love you.
GIRL 5: Ondy, who are you talking to.
ONDY: No one...I mean well I was going to talk to...nevermind.
GIRL 5: Were you talking to yourself again, Ondy. what did I tell you about talking to yourself. It's really not a good sign if you do it everyday.
ONDY: I know. It's just, I think I'm in love.
GIRL 5: With who?
ONDY: That's the thing. That's why I've been talking to myself. I think I'm in love with myself.
GIRL 5: Oh, well have you told yourself, yet?
ONDY: That's what I was practicing but, I'm super nervous. I mean, we've always gotten along and we do everything together. I just don't know how to tell him. I mean what would you do.
GIRL 5: Well first of all I'd have to develop an ego the size of the sun to ever have this dilemma. In fact I'm pretty sure you have to be suffering some type of mental illness to be having this conversation. But we'll talk about that some other time. Listen, if you're really in love, just do what I did. You look that man right in the eye, you tell him exactly how you feel, and if he doesn't respond positively, then just delete him from your life.
ONDY: I can't just delete him, he's not some program or application. You've definitely been hanging around Ren for too long. And besides, we've been so close for so long. I don't know if I can just forget about him like that.
GIRL 5: Well, then just cross your fingers and hope for the best.
ONDY: Yeah I guess you're right. If you can't love yourself. How in the HELL you gon' love somebody else. Can I get an amen?
GIRL 5: No.
ONDY: Okay. I think I'm ready.
GIRL 5: Go get 'em tiger.
ONDY 2 walks on stage.
ONDY: Hey, Ondy.
ONDY 2: Hey. Have you seen our phone, I haven't--
ONDY: Oh. It's right here. (pulling it out of his pocket)
ONDY 2: Why do you always do that.
ONDY: Do what?
ONDY 2: Lose things in your pocket.
ONDY: I usually have a lot of pockets okay. Fierceness requires repetition.
ONDY 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
ONDY: So, listen can we talk?
ONDY 2: What did Iris tell you about talking to me. It's really not normal.
ONDY: Actually it's okay for me to talk to you. You're not supposed to be talking back to me.
ONDY 2: Yeah. So what did you want to talk about?
ONDY: It's that...Um. Well...I just wanted to talk about.
ONDY 2: Spit it o--
ONDY: I love you!
A long silent pause.
ONDY 2: Is that so?
ONDY: Yes.
ONDY 2: If you love me. If you REALLY love me, then why did it take you 21 years to tell me.
ONDY: Well, I mean. I think I've always known, but those first years it was really hard to express myself and then after that I just thought maybe the feeling would go away...You're not going to leave me are you.
ONDY 2 stares at him blankly.
ONDY 2: You know, you should probably go have that chat with Iris. I think she can help you.
ONDY: What?
ONDY 2: Of course I'm not going to leave you! Where am I going to go?
ONDY: I don't know you could...oh wait, yeah, I guess you're not going to leave.
ONDY 2: I'm going to need sometime to think about this. I mean it's great that you love me and all, I think I love you too but don't take this too far. It's starting to make me feel kind of weird.
ONDY: Yeah, I'm starting to feel that way too.
ONDY 2: But, I mean you know I'll always be here for you when it's time to turn on the sass and own a club, or pull out the latest in Ondy fashion (come on, do you remember that scarf?). I think I'm more useful for those kinds of things. Consider our love...understood. It doesn't really need to be talked about that much. Just show it.
ONDY: Right.
ONDY 2: So I'll see you in the bathroom? Maybe the closet mirror?
ONDY: Yup! I start getting ready in an hour.
ONDY 2: Where are we going tonight?
ONDY: Probably a straight club. So lame.
ONDY 2: Oh come on, it won't be that bad.
ONDY 2 winks at ONDY.
ONDY 2: And we return to Gotham...?
ONDY: Tomorrow
ONDY 2: Finally, I know you feel all dark and sexy over there, but I'm baking inside with all this tanning.
ONDY smiles as ONDY 2 disappears.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Act 1: Scene 3 1/2
Friday Night. Lights up on int. house.
ONDY: 96...97...
GIRL 4: What are you doing?
ONDY: Burpies...99...100. Whew.
GIRL 4: What's a Burpy?
ONDY: My New Workout plan. Beyonce does them everyday. What time are we leaving?
RANDOM GUY (offstage): Is everyone getting ready?
GIRL 4: (pressing intercom button) Yes!
ONDY: Shit. I still have to shower.
GIRL 4: Well hurry up, I still have to do my makeup.
ONDY: I'll be quick.
Ondy strips to his underwear, grabs a towel and exits offstage. GIRL 4 remains in the room and the lights begin to dim until.
GIRL 4: What is that!?
Spotlight focuses on a bright water bottle across the stage. GIRL 4 tip toes towards the bottle. She stops, looks around, then inches closer. She let's out a slight giggle of excitement. She finally rushes and grabs the bottle then hoists it into the air.
GIRL 4: Oh. My. God. I... Love... This... Cup!
(SONG: THE CUP SONG: I DON"T SEE WHY YOU WOULDN'T BE HAPPY)
As GIRL 4 finishes her number she exits to finish getting ready. ONDY Returns from his shower.
ONDY: Oh shit!
He runs off stage.
ONDY (offstage): Hey. I have to pee!
GIRL 4: You'll have to wait.
ONDY: Come on. It's an emergency!!!
GIRL 4: Ondy. I'm in the middle of putting on mascara. I cannot lose focus right now.
ONDY: Ugh!
ONDY returns on stage looks around for something anything to use. He see's the red bottle.
ONDY: Perfect.
ONDY proceeds to urinate in the red bottle.
ONDY: That's better.
Lights down.
ONDY: 96...97...
GIRL 4: What are you doing?
ONDY: Burpies...99...100. Whew.
GIRL 4: What's a Burpy?
ONDY: My New Workout plan. Beyonce does them everyday. What time are we leaving?
RANDOM GUY (offstage): Is everyone getting ready?
GIRL 4: (pressing intercom button) Yes!
ONDY: Shit. I still have to shower.
GIRL 4: Well hurry up, I still have to do my makeup.
ONDY: I'll be quick.
Ondy strips to his underwear, grabs a towel and exits offstage. GIRL 4 remains in the room and the lights begin to dim until.
GIRL 4: What is that!?
Spotlight focuses on a bright water bottle across the stage. GIRL 4 tip toes towards the bottle. She stops, looks around, then inches closer. She let's out a slight giggle of excitement. She finally rushes and grabs the bottle then hoists it into the air.
GIRL 4: Oh. My. God. I... Love... This... Cup!
(SONG: THE CUP SONG: I DON"T SEE WHY YOU WOULDN'T BE HAPPY)
As GIRL 4 finishes her number she exits to finish getting ready. ONDY Returns from his shower.
ONDY: Oh shit!
He runs off stage.
ONDY (offstage): Hey. I have to pee!
GIRL 4: You'll have to wait.
ONDY: Come on. It's an emergency!!!
GIRL 4: Ondy. I'm in the middle of putting on mascara. I cannot lose focus right now.
ONDY: Ugh!
ONDY returns on stage looks around for something anything to use. He see's the red bottle.
ONDY: Perfect.
ONDY proceeds to urinate in the red bottle.
ONDY: That's better.
Lights down.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Act 1: Scene 3
Lights up on a row of 8 outdoor lawn chairs. Each is filled with a body in a bathing suit, soaking in the rays. Everyone is laying down smiling and enjoying the sun except ONDY who is seated in the last chair still frantically typing on his laptop . GIRL 3, who is on the opposite end of the chairs, whispers to RANDOM GUY. He whispers to GIRL 4 who is next to him and (much like the game of telephone) the whisper passes down to GIRL 1 who is sitting next to ONDY and she asks
GIRL 1: Ondy, Are you done yet?
ONDY stays focused and quickly shakes his head 'no' while continuing to type. He stops. A smile lights up across his face and everyone looks over at him with anticipation...
He hunches over and begins typing again. This time a little less flustered. Then he stops and everyone looks at him once again.
Just as Ondy begins to raise his rands with joy he quickly slouches over yet another time. He now feels more anxious than ever to finish his work. ONDY is now typing at a ridiculous speed and seems so removed from the stage that he almost doesn't hear
GIRL 2: (Entering with her laptop) Hey Ondy, do you have internet access.
ONDY: I don't know, I'm working on a paper.
GIRL 3: OMG! He's actually going to talk on this trip.
ONDY: Shut it. I'm almost finished.
GIRL 2: Well, can you check for me.
ONDY: You have your laptop right there. You can't check for yourself?
GIRL 2: Well, I could. But I just wanted to--
ONDY shoots an evil glare to GIRL 2. Who receives the glare then exits Stage L.
Everyone on stage remains silent as ONDY seems to be putting the final touches on his paper.
There's a tense beat. Then GIRL 2 re-enters, now carrying a cat in her hand.
GIRL 2: Do you guys think we should go out and get more tanning lotion today just in case someone runs out next week?
Everyone on stage lets out an intentionally audible sigh.
ONDY: OMG! I'm done. And send...and finished! Woot, Woot! Now that's how you do it, baby!
('I'm walking on Sunshine' begins playing in the background)
Ondy's laptop floats off of his lap and above the stage until it can no longer be seen. ONDY stands up and rips his pajama pants off to reveal a bright green sexy speedo. GIRL 3 and GIRL 4 enter and spray Ondy's body with tanning oil as RANDOM GUY rubs in the oil and GIRL 5 brings him a corona.
ONDY: Senior in college, on a much deserved spring break, and single. This should be fun.
GIRL 6: Are you narrating your thought process out loud?
ONDY: Yes.
The stage is silent for a moment.
ONDY: Huh-Lo!
Exeunt
GIRL 1: Ondy, Are you done yet?
ONDY stays focused and quickly shakes his head 'no' while continuing to type. He stops. A smile lights up across his face and everyone looks over at him with anticipation...
He hunches over and begins typing again. This time a little less flustered. Then he stops and everyone looks at him once again.
Just as Ondy begins to raise his rands with joy he quickly slouches over yet another time. He now feels more anxious than ever to finish his work. ONDY is now typing at a ridiculous speed and seems so removed from the stage that he almost doesn't hear
GIRL 2: (Entering with her laptop) Hey Ondy, do you have internet access.
ONDY: I don't know, I'm working on a paper.
GIRL 3: OMG! He's actually going to talk on this trip.
ONDY: Shut it. I'm almost finished.
GIRL 2: Well, can you check for me.
ONDY: You have your laptop right there. You can't check for yourself?
GIRL 2: Well, I could. But I just wanted to--
ONDY shoots an evil glare to GIRL 2. Who receives the glare then exits Stage L.
Everyone on stage remains silent as ONDY seems to be putting the final touches on his paper.
There's a tense beat. Then GIRL 2 re-enters, now carrying a cat in her hand.
GIRL 2: Do you guys think we should go out and get more tanning lotion today just in case someone runs out next week?
Everyone on stage lets out an intentionally audible sigh.
ONDY: OMG! I'm done. And send...and finished! Woot, Woot! Now that's how you do it, baby!
('I'm walking on Sunshine' begins playing in the background)
Ondy's laptop floats off of his lap and above the stage until it can no longer be seen. ONDY stands up and rips his pajama pants off to reveal a bright green sexy speedo. GIRL 3 and GIRL 4 enter and spray Ondy's body with tanning oil as RANDOM GUY rubs in the oil and GIRL 5 brings him a corona.
ONDY: Senior in college, on a much deserved spring break, and single. This should be fun.
GIRL 6: Are you narrating your thought process out loud?
ONDY: Yes.
The stage is silent for a moment.
ONDY: Huh-Lo!
Exeunt
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Act 1: Scene 2
Lights up on a dormitory common area filled with students partying like it's 1996. The boombox in the middle of the stage elevates over the crowd and Britney Spear's "Hold it against me" begins blaring. There's an ASIAN GIRL noticeably dancing more "provocatively" than everyone else and she stands out from the rest of the crowd. The lights dim and a spot light comes up on ONDY who is haunched over in the opposite corner still typing frantically on his laptop. Everyone freezes except ONDY. He stops and looks up as the sound of an airplane flying overhead goes by. The music reconvenes except now it's Beyonce's "Single Ladies". ONDY sets his laptop to the side. Walks across the stage and taps a RANDOM GUY in the crowd as well as the ASIAN GIRL and the three of them move to the center of the stage. Three spotlights come up and they begin the
[SINGLE LADIES DANCE BREAK]
At the end of the song, ONDY returns to his post and begins typing once again, now with a sly smile on his face as the party continues.
[SINGLE LADIES DANCE BREAK]
At the end of the song, ONDY returns to his post and begins typing once again, now with a sly smile on his face as the party continues.
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