Ondy's Interlude

Lights up on ONDY who stands at a podium and a FEMALE INTERVIEWER located opposite. Lights rise in the house and two microphones are placed in the audience.

FI: And now for a brief interlude we will be taking time to ask Ondy some very personal questions. Yes, folks. We will be probing Ondy about some of his personal insights on life, love, and his idea of happiness. Now, there's no need to be gentle with Ondy, he is well prepared for any thrusting questions you may have. Ondy has also asked that your questions be long--not too long--but long enough that he can use your questions in a more...constructive manner. He claims and I quote...

ONDY: I'm right here. Why are you quoting me when I'm right here.

FI: Oh, well--

ONDY: In my experience short questions are never really exciting. No matter how powerful or important you think your question is, if it's only four or five words long--heaven forbid its 3--I'd rather not deal with it.

FI: Alrighty, now lets begin. I see we have a question from a young girl right here...

GIRL 28: Ondy, I have been struggling with my weight for the past 3 years and I was wondering if you have any advice on how I can lead both a healthier lifestyle and how I can embrace my body.

ONDY: Well, having once been a heavy black woman, I must tell you that I can certainly relate. The most important thing I can tell you is that regardless of that number on the scale and regardless of what the magazines may tell you...you have to embrace your body. Now listen to me, girl. My weight range has been between 125 and 285 in the last 8 years of my life and I have learned that big is just as if not more beautiful than being a skinny bitch. So it's important to understand that having curves, especially in black culture is an asset that skinny bitches can only wish they had--

GIRL 28: But aren't you're a skinny bitch now...

ONDY pauses. He begins to loose control of himself but gets it together before asking. A little anger now escaping in his voice and tone.

ONDY: Heh..heh. Now. If you know the Colonel on a first name basis, which yo ass probably do...then guess what: it's time to go jogging. There's a different between being thick and voluptuous and just plain unhealthy. Next question please... (to himself, under his breath) sit up here and call me a skinny bitch oh I got you...

GIRL 39: Hi, Ondy.

ONDY: Hi Baby how are you?

GIRL 39: I'm doing well, I just wanted to ask about this guy that I've been seeing who hasn't been replying to text messages in the last 3 day--

ONDY: Stop. Stop. Stop. Okay, I'm going to say this one time and one time only. And this is for all the girls out there because I don't want to hear any more questions about mens. I have had my heart "broken" a few times and guess what...it healed. I think a lot of us can say that we've had our hearts broken, no? Let's look at some of the greats we can identify with.

Projection of Britney Spears comes up.

ONDY: Our darling Britney. The first child of modern day pop turned bald headed psycho turned redeemed star. Let's look at her ex. Kevin Federline. Now, when Britney lost Mr. Sexy (Yes there was time when he was sexy) Did she cry and boo-hoo over the loser. Hell No! She went out and got married. Vegas style. And you know what, I commend her for that bc it really does send a message about how we should recognize these mens.

GIRL IN AUDIENCE: (aside) Is it me or is Ondy going Ghetto.

BOY IN AUDIENCE: Preach Brotha, Preach...

(To be continued...)

...The Revolution will be Ondyfied