Lights up on ONDY who stands at a podium and a FEMALE INTERVIEWER located opposite. Lights rise in the house and two microphones are placed in the audience.
FI: And now for a brief interlude we will be taking time to ask Ondy some very personal questions. Yes, folks. We will be probing Ondy about some of his personal insights on life, love, and his idea of happiness. Now, there's no need to be gentle with Ondy, he is well prepared for any thrusting questions you may have. Ondy has also asked that your questions be long--not too long--but long enough that he can use your questions in a more...constructive manner. He claims and I quote...
ONDY: I'm right here. Why are you quoting me when I'm right here.
FI: Oh, well--
ONDY: In my experience short questions are never really exciting. No matter how powerful or important you think your question is, if it's only four or five words long--heaven forbid its 3--I'd rather not deal with it.
FI: Alrighty, now lets begin. I see we have a question from a young girl right here...
GIRL 28: Ondy, I have been struggling with my weight for the past 3 years and I was wondering if you have any advice on how I can lead both a healthier lifestyle and how I can embrace my body.
ONDY: Well, having once been a heavy black woman, I must tell you that I can certainly relate. The most important thing I can tell you is that regardless of that number on the scale and regardless of what the magazines may tell you...you have to embrace your body. Now listen to me, girl. My weight range has been between 125 and 285 in the last 8 years of my life and I have learned that big is just as if not more beautiful than being a skinny bitch. So it's important to understand that having curves, especially in black culture is an asset that skinny bitches can only wish they had--
GIRL 28: But aren't you're a skinny bitch now...
ONDY pauses. He begins to loose control of himself but gets it together before asking. A little anger now escaping in his voice and tone.
ONDY: Heh..heh. Now. If you know the Colonel on a first name basis, which yo ass probably do...then guess what: it's time to go jogging. There's a different between being thick and voluptuous and just plain unhealthy. Next question please... (to himself, under his breath) sit up here and call me a skinny bitch oh I got you...
GIRL 39: Hi, Ondy.
ONDY: Hi Baby how are you?
GIRL 39: I'm doing well, I just wanted to ask about this guy that I've been seeing who hasn't been replying to text messages in the last 3 day--
ONDY: Stop. Stop. Stop. Okay, I'm going to say this one time and one time only. And this is for all the girls out there because I don't want to hear any more questions about mens. I have had my heart "broken" a few times and guess what...it healed. I think a lot of us can say that we've had our hearts broken, no? Let's look at some of the greats we can identify with.
Projection of Britney Spears comes up.
ONDY: Our darling Britney. The first child of modern day pop turned bald headed psycho turned redeemed star. Let's look at her ex. Kevin Federline. Now, when Britney lost Mr. Sexy (Yes there was time when he was sexy) Did she cry and boo-hoo over the loser. Hell No! She went out and got married. Vegas style. And you know what, I commend her for that bc it really does send a message about how we should recognize these mens.
GIRL IN AUDIENCE: (aside) Is it me or is Ondy going Ghetto.
BOY IN AUDIENCE: Preach Brotha, Preach...
(To be continued...)
...The Revolution will be Ondyfied
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Act 2: Scene 1
Lights up on Ondy and ILA, a face of impeccable reason, who stand together on an empty stage.
ILA: Ondy...Ondy
no response.
ILA: ONDY!
ONDY: What?
ILA: Exactly. What is the question.
ONDY: Huh?
ILA: We've been here for an entire act now and nothing has happened.
ONDY: What do you mean, plenty of things have happened. I've fallen in and out of love, I finished a paper. I even got a new tan so now I stand out as the guy who was cool and went somewhere tropical for spring break; a staple for starting up conversation during the second half of the semester.
ILA: Conversation with who?
ONDY: I don't know.
ILA: Exactly. This story needs a love interest. A real love interest.
ONDY: But I alre--
ILA: Yourself doesn't count.
ONDY: (defeated) oh. Okay, well what if the story is about me looking for a real love interest.
ILA: That could wo--
ONDY: And then at the end I realize that I must love myself in order.
ILA: Ondy. I'm done here. Plot development, now!
ILA rushes off stage and Ondy finds himself in the middle of Butler Library rising out of a dream.
ONDY's thoughts can be heard off stage...
What a weird dream. Ugh, back in the cold, heartless city of Gotham. And to make matters worse, back in Butler Library, and this is one butt I'd rather not be in. Hmmm...that's mildly inappropriate. Now lets see here, what am I doing...Oh yeah, need to hit up the stacks.
ONDY rises and walks over to a dark row of mysterious looking books. CUTE GUY 38 is standing near some books perplexed.
Ondy's thoughts...
What? There's a lot of cute guys in the world, there's no telling how important he'll be. I should just act casual. I'm clearly the hotter between the two of us, but I don't think i'd like it any other way. OMG, I could potentially do it in the stacks. That's on the Bwog bucket list right? What do I care I only read Bwog to sound cool while simultaneously acknowledging how nerdy and uncool it actually is. Some society I live in. But doing it in the stacks is pretty awesome. Why does my conscious use the word 'awesome'? Hmmm...oh shit, I'm clearly not actually looking for a book. I hope he doesn't noti--
CUTE GUY 38: Excuse me.
ONDY: Um...yeah?
CUTE GUY 38: Do you know how to use this system. It's really confusing
Of course I know how to use this system. I only spent an entire summer slaving over the crazy Stacks collection, Milstein collection, Microform collection, for hours and hours upon--
ONDY: No, I was actually just trying to figure it out myself.
Damsel in distress usually works. But now we're two damsels in distress. You know even if I didn't know how to use the call numbers here I should at least be able to read this sign that I've apparently been staring at for about 5 minutes. I'm sure he's notic--
CUTE GUY 38: Are you okay?
ONDY: Oh, yeah. Just a little, flustered...um...Let's find these butts.
CUTE GUY 38: What?
ONDY: What?
CUTE GUY 38: You mean find these books right?
ONDY: Yeah...isn't that what I said?
CUTE GUY 38: (smiling) um...sure.
He's starting to intimidate me. I don't like that. Who does he think he is. If I didn't say books, what could I have possibly said?
Ondy thinks for a moment.
Fuck this. I'm ditching cute guy 38. 39 is smoking a cigarette right outside. And I just might have "left mine in my room today."
ONDY: The books over there, right in the second aisle.
CUTE GUY 38: (confused) oh...um...
ONDY: Gotta go.
CUTE GUY 38: Oh, wait. Um...do you want to grab coffee or someth--
ONDY: I'm married.
ONDY rushes offstage and walks back on from the other side where Lee is sitting back in the library doing work.
ONDY: Hey, Lee.
LEE: Hey, Ondy, what's up?
ONDY: Nothing. I hate men.
LEE: Don't get me started.
ONDY: You know, the only reason I really want a partner is so that someone walks our baby when I'm not home.
LEE's jaw drops.
ONDY: What? Don't you walk baby's.
LEE: No.
ONDY: Well, I don't know about you Lee, but my mother made sure that I was walked everyday. And now that I am in America that's what I want out of life. I want a man and I want a baby, and I am going to see that he is walked everyday!
LEE: Is this your plot development?
ONDY: Well now we have a goal, getting there will be the fun part, kind of like Wizard of Oz. I mean, what was so exciting about going back to black and white town where your uncle's molest you? The adventure is with Glenda the Drag Queen and learning how to walk the runway in Red Heels (that was the new trend back then, you know).
LEE: Okay, well anyway, I really hope you don't get too caught up in fulfilling whatever crazy goal you have in your head and actually find an apartment, AND a job.
ONDY: Oooh! Subplots. Do you want one?
LEE: Maybe.
ONDY: LEE aspires to become the next dance champion and star in You Got Served 4: Battle of the Blondes and Reds!
LEE: No.
ONDY: Okay, well we'll brainstorm.
Lights.
ILA: Ondy...Ondy
no response.
ILA: ONDY!
ONDY: What?
ILA: Exactly. What is the question.
ONDY: Huh?
ILA: We've been here for an entire act now and nothing has happened.
ONDY: What do you mean, plenty of things have happened. I've fallen in and out of love, I finished a paper. I even got a new tan so now I stand out as the guy who was cool and went somewhere tropical for spring break; a staple for starting up conversation during the second half of the semester.
ILA: Conversation with who?
ONDY: I don't know.
ILA: Exactly. This story needs a love interest. A real love interest.
ONDY: But I alre--
ILA: Yourself doesn't count.
ONDY: (defeated) oh. Okay, well what if the story is about me looking for a real love interest.
ILA: That could wo--
ONDY: And then at the end I realize that I must love myself in order.
ILA: Ondy. I'm done here. Plot development, now!
ILA rushes off stage and Ondy finds himself in the middle of Butler Library rising out of a dream.
ONDY's thoughts can be heard off stage...
What a weird dream. Ugh, back in the cold, heartless city of Gotham. And to make matters worse, back in Butler Library, and this is one butt I'd rather not be in. Hmmm...that's mildly inappropriate. Now lets see here, what am I doing...Oh yeah, need to hit up the stacks.
ONDY rises and walks over to a dark row of mysterious looking books. CUTE GUY 38 is standing near some books perplexed.
Ondy's thoughts...
What? There's a lot of cute guys in the world, there's no telling how important he'll be. I should just act casual. I'm clearly the hotter between the two of us, but I don't think i'd like it any other way. OMG, I could potentially do it in the stacks. That's on the Bwog bucket list right? What do I care I only read Bwog to sound cool while simultaneously acknowledging how nerdy and uncool it actually is. Some society I live in. But doing it in the stacks is pretty awesome. Why does my conscious use the word 'awesome'? Hmmm...oh shit, I'm clearly not actually looking for a book. I hope he doesn't noti--
CUTE GUY 38: Excuse me.
ONDY: Um...yeah?
CUTE GUY 38: Do you know how to use this system. It's really confusing
Of course I know how to use this system. I only spent an entire summer slaving over the crazy Stacks collection, Milstein collection, Microform collection, for hours and hours upon--
ONDY: No, I was actually just trying to figure it out myself.
Damsel in distress usually works. But now we're two damsels in distress. You know even if I didn't know how to use the call numbers here I should at least be able to read this sign that I've apparently been staring at for about 5 minutes. I'm sure he's notic--
CUTE GUY 38: Are you okay?
ONDY: Oh, yeah. Just a little, flustered...um...Let's find these butts.
CUTE GUY 38: What?
ONDY: What?
CUTE GUY 38: You mean find these books right?
ONDY: Yeah...isn't that what I said?
CUTE GUY 38: (smiling) um...sure.
He's starting to intimidate me. I don't like that. Who does he think he is. If I didn't say books, what could I have possibly said?
Ondy thinks for a moment.
Fuck this. I'm ditching cute guy 38. 39 is smoking a cigarette right outside. And I just might have "left mine in my room today."
ONDY: The books over there, right in the second aisle.
CUTE GUY 38: (confused) oh...um...
ONDY: Gotta go.
CUTE GUY 38: Oh, wait. Um...do you want to grab coffee or someth--
ONDY: I'm married.
ONDY rushes offstage and walks back on from the other side where Lee is sitting back in the library doing work.
ONDY: Hey, Lee.
LEE: Hey, Ondy, what's up?
ONDY: Nothing. I hate men.
LEE: Don't get me started.
ONDY: You know, the only reason I really want a partner is so that someone walks our baby when I'm not home.
LEE's jaw drops.
ONDY: What? Don't you walk baby's.
LEE: No.
ONDY: Well, I don't know about you Lee, but my mother made sure that I was walked everyday. And now that I am in America that's what I want out of life. I want a man and I want a baby, and I am going to see that he is walked everyday!
LEE: Is this your plot development?
ONDY: Well now we have a goal, getting there will be the fun part, kind of like Wizard of Oz. I mean, what was so exciting about going back to black and white town where your uncle's molest you? The adventure is with Glenda the Drag Queen and learning how to walk the runway in Red Heels (that was the new trend back then, you know).
LEE: Okay, well anyway, I really hope you don't get too caught up in fulfilling whatever crazy goal you have in your head and actually find an apartment, AND a job.
ONDY: Oooh! Subplots. Do you want one?
LEE: Maybe.
ONDY: LEE aspires to become the next dance champion and star in You Got Served 4: Battle of the Blondes and Reds!
LEE: No.
ONDY: Okay, well we'll brainstorm.
Lights.
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